Unstuck

For Release: 6:30 PM

May 21, 2014

_____ Family Announcement, May 21, 2014

For Immediate Release

The _____ family would like to thank you for taking the time to celebrate the life of an amazing wife, mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, and friend. The amount of support has been overwhelming and indescribably appreciated.

Some of you have shared your stories about my mom with me and, as I read them, I noticed her charm, kindness, and wisdom were a common thread. 

Even when she was very young, she was able to persuade her older brother and sister to do many things. One frequent activity was playing hide and seek. Bill and Pam would pretend that they didn't know that she had hidden inside the clothes hamper (again) and they would sit on the lid wondering aloud "where could Debbie be?” while this little muffled voice would say “I'm in here guys," louder and louder, until she was near tears...at which time they would jump up and pretend to be surprised that she had been in the hamper the whole time. 

One can only imagine the hamper had some sort of ventilation and thus was relatively safe – in sharp contrast to the alternative game in which someone – whose name rhymes with “hill” – would hold her by her ankles over the ledge of the balcony, the third floor balcony.

Her persuasive powers continued into adulthood. One afternoon, my mom offered to watch Natalie and Danny, her sister-in-law’s children, so that Sue could go get a haircut.  Sue came back in tears because the stylist chopped her hair and she claimed she looked like a boy with a bad haircut. Soon my mom had her laughing, and she almost forgot about her lack of hair. As they were getting ready to leave, Natalie said "Mom, I still think you look pretty." Later, when they were in the car on the way home Natalie said "Mom, Debbie told me to say you looked pretty, but I think you look beautiful."  

This story is great because it actually teaches us two things: it’s always important to be kind and Natalie’s the one to seek out if you’re afraid you’ve gotten a bad haircut.

Jenny and I spent a lot of time with my mom when we were little, creating great works of art, brewing leaf tea, swimming in the pool of our apartment complex, and, the most fun of all, dressing up my cats in fancy outfits – which upset my mom a little. I can’t imagine why – Clearly they loved it.

It was during these times together that my mom imparted great wisdom on us. Jenny claims that it is because of my mom she has good dental hygiene. She once yelled at us (but not harshly) for not flossing our teeth at night when Jenny slept over.  Jenny felt horrible and didn't want to upset or disappoint her Aunt Debbie.  From then on she flossed.  Every night.  She still does, and so do I. My mom also taught us that the miraculous way to make vegetables taste good was to put cheese on them.  Perhaps this was the early push that led us both to become vegetarians later.

Along with sharing good dental hygiene and eating habits, my mom encouraged us to face our fears. It is funny that Jenny remembers her first roller coaster ride was on the Tidal Wave at Great America. For those of you who do not remember or may not have had the pleasure of riding the Tidal Wave, it was powder blue, and fairly simple. Riders went through one loop, straight up, down, and back through the loop. Jenny became an instant roller coaster lover and rode a second time. In contrast, after I was convinced to ride with my mom when I was five, I fainted before the first loop had even been completed and my mom had toothmarks on her arm from where I had bitten down in terror before I passed out. 

Now that I have plagiarized the stories of others, I will share my own.

It is impossible to pick only one, or even a few, memories that could capture my mom. She was beautiful, brilliant, stubborn, kind, strong, and dedicated. I could sit and list adjectives all night and it would not do her justice. After all, how can we capture the true essence of a person, a life, in a list of words?

My mom and dad dedicated every ounce of energy to making sure Joe, Jeremy, and I have had every opportunity in life. They pushed us to reach for our dreams and to always put forth our best effort in everything we attempted. My mom never went to college, but placed a very high value on education. And she was very wise.

My mom was sick for a long time, yet even after her tumor robbed her of her ability to work, drive, use her left hand, walk, and eventually even speak, she still refused to give up. She always believed there might be a chance she would get better. She continued to go to physical therapy in hopes that she would somehow gain back some of the strength she had lost. As recently as five months ago, we were talking and she said “when I can walk again.” Not if, when. This was after her most recent scan had shown that the tumor had become immune to chemo and could no longer be stopped. Even up until the very last week, when she couldn’t speak at all, she would wave her arm to indicate she wanted to be pulled up into a standing position. Dad held her up and Jeremy was in charge of moving her feet – she still wanted to walk.

So if I were to choose only one memory of my mom to share, or one piece of inspiration from her, it would be this.

I remember a phone conversation I had with her several years ago. I was having a hard time, I hated my job, was struggling to finish a Master’s program in education that I was not engaged or really interested in any longer. A stressful relationship was leaving me mentally and emotionally depleted. I remember venting about all of the things that were wrong with my life and telling her that I was stuck. She immediately stopped me and said emphatically: “You are never stuck. You can always choose something different, you can always choose a way out.”

Her voice was firm, almost cold. I stopped my rant and, in the months that followed, I continued to think about what she had said.  

Since this is her story, not mine, I will summarize and simply say that I finished out the degree program, quit the suffocating office job I hated, and the relationship too. I found enough part time and temporary work to get by, then enrolled in a graduate writing program. Once I had done all of these things, I found many of my other problems resolved themselves. I was able to look in the mirror without hating what I saw. I slept well and finally felt like I was living.

You see, she was right. I wasn’t really stuck, I had just convinced myself that I was. We are often our own worst enemy when it comes to trapping our minds in the realm of “I cant’s”. But we are never stuck, not really. We can always change our lives, regardless of our situation. We always, always, always have a choice. Because our lives will never be perfect. And if we spend them waiting for the right time to be happy, or to make a change, or to do the things we want to do, we will wait forever. It is up to us to choose how we want to live our lives, how we want to view the world, and how happy we want to be.

We can make the choice to walk. 

To walk away. 

To walk back. 

To walk toward what terrifies us or what brings us comfort. 

Toward love or solace. 

Pleasure or pain. 

The places we end up are our own and it is never too late to walk somewhere new. 

We are never stuck.

Thank You.