Evanesced

When Ethan Ackerman got back to school the Monday after the game, everyone would want to hear about it, especially since the Bears had started the 1990s much better than they had ended the 80s. Even though his mom wouldn’t let him play football because he was too small, he would have his own football story to share. Maybe then the other kids would want to talk to him. He missed having friends to hang out with after school. 

Game day began inauspiciously. Emily, his twin sister, had broken down into a hysteric fit and declared she could not possibly go to the game without her lavender and turquoise striped toe socks. She insisted that she needed these particular socks because they had separate toes and her feet would freeze without them. Their mother had dashed frantically around the house and finally located them while Ethan and his father stewed impatiently on the cold concrete of the front step. When Ethan, Emily, and their parents piled into the family’s sedan, it was nearly thirty minutes later than their planned departure time. Traffic along Lake Shore Drive crawled and Ethan felt a surge of irritation well up from the pit of his stomach. If they didn’t start moving faster soon they were going to miss kickoff. 

Emily sniffled in the seat next to his. 

“Stop being a crybaby,” he hissed at her. “If we’re late it’s all your fault.”

“Leave me alone, Ethan,” she muttered, her voice hoarse from crying. She wiped her nose across the sleeve of her thin plum colored windbreaker. 

“You had to throw a fit over stupid socks, today?”

“I said leave me alone, Ethan,” Emily cried, voice cracking loudly enough to be heard over the radio in the front seat.

“You’re just jealous because you can’t use your present here any time soon.” As soon as he said it, Ethan remembered how sad Emily had looked when she had opened her own birthday present a few weeks ago. The purple scuba gear, while perfect for Emily, was much better suited for their old home in North Carolina than it was for the frigid Chicago winter.

“If you two don’t stop we’re going back home,” warned their mom.

Emily glared at Ethan. He forgot he was feeling sorry for her and stuck his tongue out at her before turning to look out his window.

The traffic slowly broke apart and they picked up speed. Ethan saw the gothic columns that surrounded Soldier Field up ahead. They found a parking spot on the outer rim of the lot and he leapt from the car. The air of the parking lot was filled with smoke from hundreds of tailgater grills. Smoke rose to meet steel gray clouds above, blending into a solid gloomy curtain. The smell of grilled meats permeated the air. The elevated sounds of early morning alcohol fueled voices rose from between the rows of parked SUVs and were swept across the lot by gusts of frigid wind blowing in from the lake.       

Emily fell into step beside Ethan as they weaved in and out of the rows toward the stadium. Their parents strode several yards ahead.

“It’s freezing out here,” Emily said through chattering teeth. 

“Stop complaining. It’s supposed to be cold, it’s December.” Ethan glared at her.

“Maybe if you hadn’t been so busy whining this morning you would’ve remembered to dress a little warmer.”

“Or maybe if we’d never moved up here and still lived in North Carolina it wouldn’t be so cold,” she shot back, tears once again spilling down her raw cheeks.

“It’s not my fault dad got a new job. At least I’m trying to fit in and make new friends. You haven’t made any. Maybe you should just go back to Carolina by yourself.”

Emily’s shoulders dropped and the look on her face frightened Ethan. He had noticed the shadows under her eyes, the light they used to hold dimmed to nearly nothing since their move. But this look was different. Emily’s eyes looked older and wiser, for the first time in their thirteen years, she seemed to be seeing something she couldn’t share with Ethan. And behind that older and wiser look, Ethan could also see a scared and lost little girl. Neither resembled the tough spunky sister he adored.

Emily, her voice barely above a whisper, threw back at him: “You haven’t made any friends yet either! Forget it, tell Mom and Dad I was cold and went back to the car.”

Ethan watched her wind her way back through the smoky air. He turned and looked for his parents but they had faded into the smoke ahead.

“Wait, Emily! You don’t have the keys. How are you going to get back into the car by yourself?”

He was watching her small shape fading into the smoke when a huge gust of wind blew across the lot and toppled the grill closest to him. Ash and sparks skidded along the pavement and bricks of half burnt charcoal tumbled toward his sneakers.

He leapt out of the way and when he looked up he could no longer see Emily. 

Panic gripped him as if hands were wrapped around his throat. Ethan opened his mouth to yell for Emily but no sound came out. He stood rooted to the spot as the grill owner heaved the toppled device back into position. 

“Hey kid, you ok?” the man asked.

Ethan started at him blankly.

“Did the coals hit you?” The man reached out to touch his shoulder.

He felt the man’s warm hand through his layers of clothing. The warm touch loosened his legs and Ethan turned and ran in the direction where he had last seen Emily. The thick grey smoke disoriented him. His heart beat against his chest and his breath came in wheezing gasps but he kept running. Every few yards a car or carousing fan loomed up out of the haze and he juked from side to side to avoid a collision. Just like Walter Payton, he thought. When he reached the spot where the car should be, he finally slowed. 

The little Honda Civic was nowhere to be seen, only a row of gleaming pick-ups and one old beige beater. He squeezed between the beater and a navy truck. In the next aisle he spotted the crimson bumper of the family car. Relief coursed through him and he slowed as he crossed the aisle to the car. 

“Emily!” he yelled.

Only the distant din of the tailgaters making their way into the stadium answered him. His heart sped up and he began to hurry again. He ran around the car, peered in the windows, even got down on his knees and looked under the cars then up and down the row. He felt his throat squeeze with the return of his panic. Where was she? 

The sound of shoes crunching on the gravel startled him and he turned. A man had stopped at the beige beater and appeared to be digging in his pocket for keys. The man’s head was turned away so Ethan could only see a tangled mass of dirty grey hair tucked beneath a worn black baseball cap and a dingy jean jacket. Something about the man put Ethan’s already heightened senses on alert and he ducked down next to the car. A minute later he heard the engine grumble to life as the man’s car pulled out of the spot and chugged away. 

Once he could no longer hear the car, Ethan leapt to his feet and ran down the row until he reached the edge of the parking lot. Maybe Emily decided to walk over by the harbor and look at the lake. Or maybe she went to the Shedd Aquarium. In North Carolina they had lived only five minutes from the coast and used to spend most of their free time exploring the shore. Ethan knew Emily missed the ocean. She kept her collection of sea glass and shells spread across the surface of her dresser and he had caught her crying over an old photo album filled with pictures of them playing at the beach. The scuba gear had probably only reminded her that they were far away from the warm salty air.

The sounds from the stadium faded as he ran across the dead grass of the park toward the harbor.  He slowed when he reached the paved sidewalk that rimmed the water. He stood at the edge and looked down at the wall that dropped from the sidewalk into the water. Foamy waves crashed against the wall and splashed his sneakers. The cold water closed around his toes and crept up his pant legs. He looked up and down the path but could see only a pack of runners in the distance and vacant boat slips punctuated by frothy lake spray. There was no sign of Emily.

His heart pounded and his breath came in shallow gasps. He turned away from the water and tears filled his eyes. The stadium loomed in the distance and his legs ached. The runners had come closer and showed no signs of moving around him on the walk. He backed up to avoid being trampled and his soaked sneakers slipped on the wet pavement. 

He felt his feet leave the solid surface of the dock as he tumbled over the edge and into the water. The icy blast of water shocked him and he gasped. The filthy lake water flooded his mouth and nose. The roiling waves closed over his head and he couldn’t see anything but filmy green water churning above him. He tried to fight his way to the surface but the waves pushed him further and further down. His lungs burned and then there was only blackness.

The sound of shouting and a dull pounding on his chest brought Ethan out of the darkness. He slowly opened his eyes and saw an unfamiliar face squinting above him. He could feel someone rubbing his legs and tried to lift his head to look down. 

“Are you alright?” a soft voice near his right side asked. 

Ethan coughed and spit out a mouthful of the lake. “Emily!” he croaked.

“Emily?” 

Fully awake now, Ethan struggled to sit up. Two of the runners were crouching on the pavement next to him. The man who had been rubbing his legs had dark brown hair plastered to his forehead. He was soaked and water dripped down his face into the puddle that had formed below him.

The woman next to him spoke again. “You must have thought we were going to run you over because you backed way up and fell into the water. Matt here jumped in after you and pulled you out.” 

“My sister, I need to find my sister!” Ethan stammered through chattering teeth as he tried to stand.

Strong hands held Ethan back. “Was she by the water with you?” Matt asked, turning his head quickly toward the lake.

“No, we were in the parking lot for the game. She tried to go back to the car and we lost our parents.”

“Your parents are at the game?”

“They’re probably looking for us now. They don’t know Emily is gone. I have to find her!” Ethan pulled away and clambered to his feet. The two runners he had been speaking with rose too. Ethan saw the other pair of runners from the group standing nearby.

“Nichole and I will walk back to the stadium with you while John and Anna look around here for your sister,” Matt said, nodding at the other two runners. “What does your sister look like? How old is she?”

“Like me, she looks like me with long hair. We’re twins.”

Matt held tightly to Ethan’s arm as they followed Nichole back across the park toward the lot. As they got closer, they could see flashing red and blue lights. Ethan jerked his arm free and began to run. Matt and Nichole followed. They reached the aisle where the family car was parked. A small crowd of police officers and stadium security huddled around Ethan’s red cheeked parents. His dad was gesturing wildly and he could see tears glistening on his mom’s face. He shouted and they turned toward him. Relief spilled across their faces and they both ran over to him. His mom gripped his arms and pulled him to her chest.

“Where the hell were you?” his dad shouted.

“Why are you all wet? Where’s Emily?” his mom cried.

“I don’t know where she is!” Ethan wailed. “She was mad at me and tried to go back to the car and then I lost her and fell in the water and there was a man in an old car who was creepy and Matt saved me and…”

“Ethan, slow down. What do you mean you lost her? What man? What car? Did you see someone take Emily? You’re not making sense!” His dad pulled him from his mom’s grasp and turned Ethan toward him.

“I don’t know, Dad. I don’t know where she is. She’s gone! I tried to find her. There was a man in the parking lot with a weird car.”

One of the police officers, a stout blond man with a soft round face and clear green eyes, materialized next to them. “Officer Markham.” He pointed to the badge on his chest. “What man, son? What did the car look like?”

“There was a man, in the parking lot, by our car. He looked dirty, grey hair, long. Umm a jean jacket. I didn’t really see his face. He had a hat on. A Sox hat, I think.”

Officer Markham nodded. “Okay, and the car, can you tell me what the car looked like?”

“It was a big old looking car, the ones with the big fronts and trunks. It was brown, tan I think, and had a lot of rust all over it. There was a lot of noise when he drove away.”

“How long ago did you see it?”

“I don’t know, after we got here? I went to follow Emily back to the car and got a little lost and then I saw the car.”

Ethan’s mom was slumped against his dad’s chest, face hidden in the folds of his coat, but his dad was alertly listening to every word said between Ethan and Officer Markham. “11:30, we got here at 11:30. And we realized the kids were out of our sight almost immediately after we starting walking in.”

Officer Markham waved to the other police officers who were speaking with Matt and Nichole. As the other officers began walking toward them, Ethan looked up at his dad. “Dad, I saw her walk away into the smoke and then she just disappeared. I tried to keep up with her, I really did, but she was just gone.”

******

Sunlight leaked through the slats of the blinds. As soon as Ethan opened his eyes, he wished that he had not. A sharp pain surged through his head and he had to close his mouth and swallow rapidly to keep from vomiting. He rolled over and guided his feet toward the floor. His soles met the cool wood and he pushed himself into a sitting position. The room spun and he dropped his head down between his knees. 

After a few minutes, the spinning ceased. He stood and staggered into the bathroom. He glanced in the mirror and shook his head at the sight of tufts of dark blond hair standing up all over his head and dark pools beneath his bloodshot eyes. He rubbed his hands across the scratchy surface of his cheeks and fumbled for the supersized bottle of Listerine. He rinsed the stale sewage out of his mouth and splashed his face. The cool water dribbled off of his chin and pooled in the sink below. He leaned against the sink for a moment longer before heading back to the bedroom. 

Samantha lay on her side and her tousled copper curls flowed across her pillow behind her as though blown by an invisible fan. Ethan crawled back into bed and wrapped his arm around Samantha’s waist. She groaned and then turned to face him. Her skin was a little pale, but her green eyes were bright and clear. 

“Ugh, how much did I have to drink last night?” Ethan asked her.

“You certainly enjoyed yourself.”

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry. I didn’t say or do anything to embarrass you, did I?”

She raised her eyebrows, the delicate copper arch framing her eyes as she tried

to scowl at him, but he could see the smile that tugged at the corner of her lips. 

“No, you were your normal charming self. Nothing bad.”

“Are you sure? The first big shindig at your new job and I make an ass of myself. I’m so sorry, Samantha.”

“Ethan, it was fine. You didn’t do anything wrong. I promise.” She leaned over and brushed her lips lightly across his. “But if you’re still feeling guilty feel free to go start the coffee.” 

The trace of her warm lips on his cleared some of the lingering fog from his head.

Not quite ready to get up again, he returned the kiss and reached his hand to the soft mass of her tangled curls. 

“Maybe the coffee can wait for a little longer,” he murmured and kissed the soft skin of her pale neck.

Samantha caressed the side of his face and smiled, “Please, coffee first?”

Ethan groaned and pushed himself into a sitting position. “Only because you asked so nicely,” he said with a grin down at her.

Just then, Ethan’s phone began to sing on the night stand next to the bed. He glanced at the screen. Dad. He picked up the phone and answered it as he walked to the kitchen.

“Hey Dad. What’s up?”

“That bastard finally did it, he finally confessed.” It sounded like he had been crying.

“What? Who are you talking about? Dad, are you okay?”

His father’s voice was incredulous. “What do you mean who? Rawlings. Confessed to grabbing Em in that parking lot and taking her away. He says he killed her and dumped her body in the lake.” Now the crying was clear. Soft deep sobs rumbled through Ethan’s phone.

Ethan’s stomach hurt, although this time it wasn’t from the alcohol. “Dad, are you okay?” he asked. “Do you want me to come down there?”

His dad cleared his throat. “No, I’m fine. You’ve got work and that girl of yours. I’ll be okay. Just wanted to tell you.”

Ethan leaned over the kitchen counter, rested his forehead against the cabinets above, and took a deep breath. “How did you find out he confessed? Did the police call you or what happened?”

“That one officer called, that Officer Markham. Remember him? I guess he never forgot about us and has been pushing Rawlings to confess. Bastard is pretty near the end, cancer I guess, so must have wanted to get it off his chest before he goes. Wasn’t ever getting out of prison anyway.”

Ethan heard Samantha’s footsteps approaching him and pulled his head off of the cabinet. “Dad, I don’t even know what to say. I need a minute. Can I call you back later? Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“Fine son, talk to you later.”

“Bye, Dad.”

Ethan pulled the phone away from his ear and turned to face Samantha. Her head was cocked to the side and her eyes were wide. “Everything okay, Ethan?”

Ethan reached over and rubbed her shoulder. “Yeah, that was my dad. Let’s go sit.”

They sat across from each other at the little oak table and held hands across it.

Ethan tried to smile at her, but it felt wrong so instead he began to speak. “That was my dad. He says the guy I saw in the parking lot when Emily disappeared confessed to killing her.”

Samantha gasped. “Now? After all this time? Oh, Ethan, how awful.”

Ethan shook his head. “I know, twenty years later and now he has a conscience. He’s dying, my dad says. Cancer.”

Edgar Rawlings had been arrested about a week after Emily disappeared. The police were able to spot his car leaving the parking lot on the surveillance tape and track him by the plates. It turned out that he was wanted for questioning in a Detroit rape case. There was also a missing girl in Milwaukee who had last been seen with Rawlings and a warrant for the murder of a freshman sorority girl in South Bend. When the police picked him up, Rawlings confessed to the rape and murdering the girls in Milwaukee and South Bend. However, he swore he had never touched Emily.

Even without her case pinned on him, he was sentenced to spend the rest of his life in a maximum security prison in Michigan City. 

The twins’ mom had always been a small woman. People thought it was a miracle that she had carried Emily and Ethan to full term. After Emily disappeared, she began to waste away. Ethan’s parents moved back to Carolina when he started college and his mom died within months. The grief had been slowly killing her for years. Once they moved away, she seemed to finally realize that Emily was really gone and let go completely.

Ethan said, “I should be relieved, but I’m not. It’s just not true. He didn’t kill her.”

“What do you mean he didn’t kill her, Ethan? Why would he confess if he didn’t do it?

How do you know for sure he didn’t?”

For the first time in twenty years, Ethan allowed himself to say the words out loud.

“Because she killed herself.”

Samantha gasped, “Killed herself? Ethan, she was just a little girl. Why would you say that?”

“She told me she did. In a dream, two days after she disappeared. We were twins, Sam. We had that special connection. I saw her in my dream. She was dressed in the clothes she had on when I had last seen her. She told me she walked over to the lake after she left me in the parking lot. She wanted to see the water. She climbed down below the docks and waded in just a bit. It was cold, but it felt like home. The water made her feel less alone, all of the great mass surrounding her. She said it felt like possibility.” 

Ethan was crying now, but he continued. “For the first time since we had moved, she didn’t feel sad, so she kept walking in deeper. Soon the water was up to her waist and then her shoulders. Each step forward made her feel lighter and lighter. She put her head under and began to swim. All of the noise was gone. It was so quiet under the water and she wanted to stay. So she swam further and further out. The water was choppy and she began to tire. She lifted her head up and took a deep breath.

The water splashed her face and she coughed and went under. At first she struggled to pull herself up through the water, but it was so nice and quiet. The cold numbed her arms and legs and made her sleepy. She knew what would happen if she stopped trying and she let go and stayed under.”

The tears were hot on his cheeks, but the confession lifted the weight of knowledge from Ethan’s shoulders. He had never told anyone about his dream. He had kept it to himself, a last piece of Emily. 

Tears glimmered in Samantha’s eyes. “Ethan, it was just a dream. It doesn’t mean she killed herself.” “No, Sam. You don’t understand. We were twins. Even though we fought a lot we were still closer than I can say. I always knew how she was feeling, even when we weren’t together. Always. I knew she had been depressed and I was so mean to her.” Ethan inhaled sharply and let out a shaking breath. 

“I remember when we were in Kindergarten. Emily had Strep Throat. Mom kept us separated for nearly a week so that I wouldn’t get sick too. I complained that my throat was hurting the whole time. It did hurt, I could feel it!” Ethan shook his head.

“Ethan, I don’t know. I mean you hear about things like that, the whole twin connection, but I don’t know if it’s proof that Emily killed herself.”

 “Mom even took me to the Doctor and they did a strep culture and everything. There was nothing wrong with me, I was just feeling Emily’s pain.” Ethan was sobbing loudly now, his words punctuated by gasps and hiccups.

“I haven’t felt anything since that dream, Sam. She wanted me to know. If someone had hurt her, she would have wanted me to know that too. She would have showed me who it was so that I could make sure Mom and Dad knew.”

“But why not tell them about your dream? Why let them believe that someone took her and hurt her?” 

“I was only thirteen but even then I knew that Emily and I were their world. They did everything for us, to make us happy. Even the move to Chicago was for us. Dad got a better paying job. If they knew that she was unhappy enough to walk into the lake, I don’t know, it seemed worse to me.”

“But what about now? If it’s really true and Rawlings didn’t kill her, why would he confess?”

“He didn’t kill her. But I don’t know why he’d confess. Maybe they offered him a nice cell, some kind of privileges, comforts. Who knows.” Ethan’s voice rose and he wondered if Samantha was the one he was still trying to convince.

“And your dad, are you going to tell him about the dream?”

“Probably not. I think it’s better he doesn’t know. Let him think it was Rawlings like he has all these years and never know his daughter choose to leave. But I don’t know.”

Samantha squeezed his hand across the table, but her brow was creased and she didn’t meet Ethan’s eyes. “I don’t know either, Ethan.”

Ethan looked over at his phone. His heart sped up and a sharp pain shot across his stomach. Okay, I won’t call him back, he thought. His heart slowed and the pain in his gut disappeared. It was what Emily would have wanted.